If you’re reading this, it means the Miami Marlins haven’t yet pulled the trigger on a blockbuster trade or the team is mired in a long losing streak.
As a 25-year-old man with too much time on my hands, I often ponder which animals I can take in a fight. These thoughts often stay within my own head, but now, you’re all going to hear it.
I have ranked each mascot from the Marlins organization—including the major league team and full-season minor league affiliates—in terms of how well I’d fare against them in a fight-to-the-death. From best to worst, here’s how I think I’d do.
Kazoo (Double-A Pensacola Blue Wahoos)
According to the Blue Wahoos website, Kazoo is a fictional “aquatic creature.” He has webbed feet and fins for ears. Perhaps his webbed appendages would deliver a solid slap across my face, but that’s really all he’s got.
His biography on their website says he loves making people laugh, playing the kazoo, reading, and fishing. He honestly seems like a pretty chill guy. That’s exactly why he’s at the top of this list.
Some people (or animals) have the “fight” gene, and others don’t. If Kazoo and I were fighting over the last piece of food on a deserted island, I’d make quick work of him.
Scampi (Triple-A Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp)
If the Phillie Phanatic mated with one of the Marlins’ racing sea creatures, it would look like Scampi. He may not be physically imposing, but if he does have Phanatic blood in him, he’s going to have an edge to him. Remember, the Phanatic once went toe-to-toe with Tommy Lasorda.
Certain kinds of shrimp can deliver a punch that travels at the same speed as a .22-caliber rifle. Probably not Scampi, though.
I think I’d get some bumps and bruises, but I could take him.
Hamilton R. Head (Low-A Jupiter Hammerheads)
I know what you’re thinking: “Alex, surely you couldn’t fight a shark.” That’s where you’re wrong, pal.
Mr. Head seems intimidating at first, but my “scouting report” says hammerheads are among the more docile shark species in the world. According to the International Shark Attack File, there has only been 16 recorded hammerhead attacks on humans, and none of them were fatal. Relatively speaking, Mr. Head does not have a big enough mouth to cause serious damage to me.
His only two advantages are his sharp teeth and his size. According to the Jupiter Hammerheads’ website, Hamilton is 7’5”. According to my old Hinge profile, I am only 6’4”. Ultimately, I think I can handle this one.
Poopsie (High-A Beloit Sky Carp)
“Sky Carp” is another nickname for geese. For those that have never lived up north, geese are jerks. Imagine if chihuahuas could fly and had long necks.
Poopsie is the first triple-threat mascot on this list: he can bite, kick, and punch/flap. Geese love flapping their wings in order to avert your attention while they try to bite you. That’s the thing that would scare me the most with this mascot.
I think this would truly be a 50-50 fight, with the win going to whoever can keep up their stamina the longest—honestly, it might be him.
Billy the Marlin (MLB Miami Marlins)
I’m not going to lie to you guys: this is where things will get messy. Billy The Marlin is an eight-foot tall killing machine, and that’s after he got his sword nose reduction a few seasons ago. Even with the change, he has a legit weapon protruding from his face, and he’s not afraid to use it. Because of his height, he can rain down punctures from the top. Also—and I have no way of proving this—I get the vibe that he fights dirty.
This is the same fish that tried to fight heavyweight MMA fighter Yoel Romero in 2017. Romero even flinched when Billy first charged him, because he knows what Billy is capable of.
There is no soul behind Billy’s eyes, just pure killing instinct.