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Jeffrey Loria’s Exit Velocity

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PLEASE JUST LEAVE

MLB: St. Louis Cardinals at Miami Marlins Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

There’s a scene in the Academy Award-winning movie, Zero Dark Thirty, where Jessica Chastain’s character approaches her boss’s window and writes how many days have passed since she basically found Osama Bin Laden. The scene is designed to illustrate the slowness of bureaucracy as her count eventually eclipses 120 days. This is how I feel as a bystander in the plodding case of Miami Marlins owner (and probable sea monster) Jeffrey Loria.

Exit velocity has become one of the most discussed metrics in baseball. It is utilized to measure the speed of a baseball after it is hit by a batter. This includes all possible batted ball events: outs, hits, or errors. As we typically hear about it in discussions of home run speed, it can also be defined as how quickly a ball exits the field of play. So if we take the formula for finding exit velocity, we can apply it to how quickly Mr. Loria is leaving the Marlins organization. As I myself am not a mathematician, I scoured the world wide web for a sensible formula, so a special thanks to the nerds great people over at physicsforum.com.

Exit Velocity = (eFx/m)^-2

e =efficiency F= Force m= mass x=distance that the object travels from its rest position to its final landing spot.

So let’s add in our numbers and see where the math takes us:

Efficiency: I think it is say to say that the level of efficiency in this situation is an absolute zero. Goose egg. Nada. We’ve been waiting with baited breathe for any kind of development in this situation, and the best we have gotten so far is Rob Manfred discussing the due diligence and legal proceedings.

Force: The power of the hopes and dreams of all five million people in the Miami metropolitan area. We know Loria is a historically bad owner. Just a known and peer-reviewed fact of science. He’s suing his own team’s fans. He corrected fan’s grammar as he welcomed them to Spring Training. He fleeced the city of Miami into paying for Marlins Park, which will eventually cost the taxpayers $2.6 billion. He’s been responsible for cutting beloved players, and is well-known connoisseur of a variety of flip phones.

Mass: Probably around 255 pounds.

Distance: Right now, an absolute 0. He hasn’t budged, and here we are after the All-Star break with the same reviled owner at the helm of our franchise.

If I remember PEMDAS correctly, then, after plugging in our numbers, the final exit velocity for Mr. Loria is zero MPH. Despite flipping an initial investment of $158 million to a reported $1.2 billion, Mr. Loria hasn’t budged. Different bids from all across the country have come in and still no luck.

WHY? In my opinion, he wants one final chance at fleecing the city of Miami. If he can hold off a sale by April of 2018, then he gets to collect an additional 5% of the final deal from the city, according to a summary of the payout provision by the county. This could mean upwards of $60 million would land right back in his pocket. Has this whole charade of bidders all been an attempt to create an artificial uptick in price? BY all things good and pleasant, I hope not. I want to see public goodwill restored in a truly fun organization. I’m tired of watching players being sold-off like pieces of art, just so that a single person can increase his bottom line. He did it in Montreal, and the process might repeat here in Miami. For now, all we can do is continue to wait with our fingers crossed. I hope I can trash this article in a few weeks, applauding Jorge Mas, Derek Jeter, or whomever for at retaking the wheel.

Between now and then, let’s all just watch Giancarlo Stanton continue to smash homers, watch for that exit velocity, and think of Jeffrey Loria.