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Astros Smash Marlins to Smithereens

The title was earned before the game was halfway over

Houston Astros v Miami Marlins Photo by Eric Espada/Getty Images

I’m not sure how this game ends up. We’re deep in the quagmire that is the 6th inning, and the Marlins are playing fantastic baseball!

Nope. Not at all. They are not. Imagine myself and Apollo Creed boxing 15 rounds and that was what tonight’s game looked like. If you have no idea what I look like, then I’ll let you know it is not at all like Apollo Creed. Overall, the Houston Astros are looking to contend for a deep run in the playoffs. They are arguably the best-overall baseball team whereas the Marlins resemble a certain 1989 Cleveland Indians team. The box score for the Astros resembled those numbers from Lost while the Marlins managed just two runs in the first. As a reference, the Marlins were behind enough at one point that Fox Sports Florida commentators Rich Waltz and Todd Hollandsworth talked about Camera Angle #12 for approximately 4 12 minutes.

Tom Koehler (7.04 ERA) struggled for the Fish with hits by Josh Reddick, Jose Altuve, Carlos Correa, Brian McCann, and Marwin Gonzalez to end the first inning down 3-0. Astros’ ace Dallas Kuechel still has not lost a game, but he seemed to be in some trouble early on. Dee Gordon reached third on an error and was punched in by J.T. Realmuto. Giancarlo Stanton hit into a fielder’s choice which drove in Realmoney and kept the game at a manageable 3-2.

Speaking of manageable, manager Don Mattingly decided to keep Koehler in through the third inning which ended at 8-2. During that stretch, McCann hit a three-run double and Jake Marisnick hit his first of two homers off of the Marlins’ outfield sculpture. At that point, the Marlins were in a deep, dark hole. Nick Wittgren came in to eventually pitch 2.2 innings where he gave up three hits, one walk, and the second of Marisnick’s deep homers. I’ll stop the carnage there.

The Marlins bats were frigid tonight posting one hit from the second though the ninth inning. The Astros, meanwhile, took advantage of both sloppy pitching and fielding to end the game at 12-2. Over the course of this homestretch the Marlins are closing in on the worst home record in Marlins Park history. It feels like an entirely different season from the end of April where the Marlins were in 2nd place in the NL East and locked in to contend for a Wild Card spot. Now they sit at 14-24 and 10.5 games behind the top-ranked Washington Nationals. Overall, it seems like our stars have aligned in the worst possible way where we are dealing with cold bats, mediocre to just plain bad pitching, and being snakebit by injuries.

Less than 10 minutes after the conclusion of the game,’s Joe Frisaro posted that Tom Koehler had been optioned to Triple-A New Orleans.

The Marlins return for the final game against the Houston Astros tomorrow, May 17th, at 12:10 PM. Jose Urena (1.98 ERA, 1.17 WHIP) will take the mound against Lance McCullers (2.98, 2.12). Urena has allowed two hits over his last 12 innings pitched, but he is 2-10 with a 4.69 ERA and sacrificing 11 homers in Marlins Park.

Oh good grief...

Swordfish of the Game: Brian McCann (.295 WPA)

Flounder of the Game: Tom Koehler (-.533)

When you remember you have to play the Astros again today: