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Five Completely Fictional Duos with Interest in Buying the Marlins

Please clap for the make believe owners we’ll never have

2015 U.S. Open - Day 2 Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images

Pending approval from 75% of the current MLB owners, John Ellis “Jeb!” Bush Sr. and Derek Jeter are now part of the new ownership of the Miami Marlins. With a $1.3 billion bid reportedly in place, it seems as if the unlikely tag team has beaten out all other potential suitors, including Tagg Romney (son of Mitt) and Tom Glavine vs. the Kushner family which reportedly had a nice incentive for current owner Jeffrey Loria (the ambassadorship to France) on the table at one point.

I really can’t make this stuff up. These tag teams of famous but seemingly unrelated people trying to buy a baseball team they have little to no connections with just pairs so perfectly with how 2017 has gone so far.

Are there any other I.F.U.D.s (Independently Famous, Unassociated Duos) that could match the bizarreness of our new fearless leaders? Let’s see:

One: NeNe Leakes and Lance Armstrong

The former Real Housewives of Atlanta and Celebrity Apprentice star would do an excellent job of handling all of the business ends of the organization. Meanwhile, we can just leave ole Lance to everything on the field. Look for a big uptick in power hitting!

Lance Armstrong Rides With Auckland Locals Photo by Fiona Goodall/Getty Images

Two: Mercury Morris and William H. Macy

Reebok 'Perfectville' Commercial
How can you not want that kind of winning attitude?
Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images for Reebok

How could you not want the Miami-born actor, William H. Macy, who describes himself to be “sort of a Middle American, WASPy, Lutheran kind of guy... an Everyman” to pair up with possibly the city of Miami’s sports scene’s biggest defender? Ever since the ‘72 Dolphins won Superbowl VII, Morris hasn’t let anyone forget that they’re the greatest of all time. Don’t the ‘17 Marlins deserve the same?

Three: 2 Live Crew and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan

Boris Johnson Hosts United States House of Representatives Paul Ryan In London Photo by Richard Pohle - WPA Pool/Getty Images

How is this not the deal? Sign me up immediately for as much Fresh Kid Ice and Luther Campbell ("the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech") as possible. Experience in Washington, DC is apparently a main requirement for owning the Fish, and I can’t think of a more worthy, prepared team. Bipartisan support and players could choose their walk-up song from My Life and Freaky Times? It just doesn’t get better than this, folks.

PAMM Presents Cashmere Cat, Jillionaire + Special Guest Uncle Luke Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images for PAMM

Four: Dan Le Batard and Larry David

Larry David is already a big supporter of the new ownership, specifically Derek Jeter, Dan provides the easy marketing via radio and TV, and they could absolutely bury the opposition with hot takes and a lack of social awareness. Plus, there would be no concern about having cash on hand to support the team as Larry David is reportedly worth $900 million ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

'Waitress' Broadway Opening Night - Arrival & Curtain Call Photo by Brad Barket/Getty Images

Five: Jeffrey Loria and Cthulhu, High Priest of the Great Old Ones

One is an alien entity ruling a powerful, ancient empire of otherworldly creatures and the other is Cthulhu. If the Jeb!/Jeter team doesn’t get the RE2PECT it deserves or continue to build a team designed to win, then could we see a return of Loria? We all might be willing to accept the lesser of the two evils in that situation.

“Good morning, Mr. Loria!”