Ed. Note: This is satire. Don’t @ me. - TB
Diddy Throws Miami Welcome Party for New Marlins Owner Derek Jeter https://t.co/ktxVW0CKtT— TMZ (@TMZ) October 14, 2017
Following Thursday night’s rager at KOMODO in Miami, Deter Jeter gave the following press release in regards to massive changes for the Marlins organization. Jeter was accompanied by Sean “Puff Daddy” “Puffy” “P. Diddy” “Diddy” Combs at the podium. Fish Stripes was given an exclusive transcript of the statement. Stay tuned for updates as they come throughout the day.
Prior to our acquisition of the team, we knew we were going to have to make some difficult moves, in the front office and on the field. We are searching for success while also attempting to navigate the issues with our budget and player salaries while also rebuilding our lagging farm system. After conferring with our new head of player development and scouting, Gary Denbo, our best and most sensible course of action will be to immediately release the following players: Marcell Ozuna, Christian Yelich, Dee Gordon & Giancarlo Stanton. I understand these moves will be difficult for the culture of the organization and the city of Miami.
I have decided to follow in the legendary footsteps of our previous owner, Jeffrey Loria, in regards to current and future trade and development philosophy. We will not be receiving any contractual offers, cash evaluations, trades, or prospects for the players. Purely through ingenuity and voided contracts we will be saving more than an estimated $400 million in the long run. Mr. Loria has assured myself and my staff that this is how contracts work, and he pointed to the Marlins Park contract with the City of Miami as evidence. Mr. Loria will not available for comment on the moves as he currently resides in the Upside Down in preparation for his role as the Demogorgon for Season 2 of Stranger Things.
However, to assist with the inevitable initially negative reaction from fans, we are excited to announce an innovative approach that will echo throughout the sports industry around the world. Change is hard but success is worth it. I am happy to announce that today we will be signing the following players: Busta Rhymes, DJ Khaled, French Montana, and Sean “Puff Daddy” “Puffy” “P. Diddy” “Diddy” Combs. While they do have extremely limited baseball experience, we believe that their intangibles will be more important than their actual on the field prowess. They have agreed to take the field with the Fish in exchange for some control over executive and front office oversight.
Through partnerships with new endorsements, ad sales, and concerts we plan on bringing in an additional $423 million to our payroll. Current players are excited to work with their new teammates especially as the locker room will soon be converted to fully-functional nightclub. To paraphrase the late, great George Steinbrenner “Breathing first, winning next, and bottle service third”. With intense cooperation from our scouting, advancement, and player development departments, we promise to bring the most exciting, unprecedented approach to this new age of baseball.
On a further note, our famed home run sculpture will now be sponsored by the record label “WE THE BEST Music Group”. It will announce our new simple, matter-of-fact organizational mission statement “WE THE BEST™” approximately every six minutes of game time. Each home victory will be accompanied by tornado sirens and a stadium-wide playing of “All I Do Is Win”. The song will continue playing in the stadium until the first pitch of the next game. Additionally, “Uncle” Luther Campbell will be our new team organist. He will be leading the newest trend that will soon be sweeping baseball; replacing the 7th inning stretch with the 7th inning twerk. Fans will have the opportunity to be presented on our fabulous 49’6” by 99’ Daktronics media board every game in our modern twist on a baseball classic. Lastly, as part of our new contractual obligations with Mr. Combs, the Marlins fish tank behind home plate and the Clevelander pool will now be filled with Cirôc: The Official Vodka of Success™.
With these new changes we hope our fans will look forward to their new ballpark experiences. Baseball has constantly found ways to survive and adapt throughout American history, and we’re excited to be the tip of the spear in that effort. Thank you all very much and go Marlins!
Jeter left the press conference without taking any questions. Many reporters were taken to nearby Mercy Hospital after concussion-like symptoms due to the volume at which “Bad Boys for Life” was being played throughout the duration of the conference.