clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Hypothetical Miami Marlins' Spelling Bee

New, comments

What would happen if there was a spelling bee held with the names on the Miami Marlins roster?

I want to meet the person who had to make Salty's jersey
I want to meet the person who had to make Salty's jersey
Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Ever hear those names that leave you thinking "huh"?  Well, it seems as if the Miami Marlins have plenty of those to go around.  After my hypothetical throw-down with Giancarlo Stanton, I (and my arm surgeon) realized that I should leave the physical aspect to the players.  No more arm wrestling.  I have always thought of myself as more of an intellectual anyways.  I decided to make my opponents more even with their abilities.  So I thought, how would I stack up against a fourth grader in a spelling bee of Marlins players?  Shouldn't be too hard right?

Tale of the Tape

Jimmy "J-Train" Jones: In this corner we have ten year old Jimmy Jones.  His playground homies know him better as "J-Train".  Jones is a fan favorite at Fairfield Elementary and is the class leader in least amount of conduct tickets turned from green to yellow (3 last school year).  He is the league leader in glue eating, pencil grip collecting and most times on the honor roll.  Jones had a career highlight by correctly spelling "oxygen" while playing scrabble on a triple word score.  Be afraid of the youngling.

Jesse Smith: In this corner we have Jesse Smith, 19 year old college student.  Smith has a way with words...just ask his fiancée (not the smoothest operator).  An Academic All-Conference student in high school, he knows what it means to be at the top of his game intellectually.  He is a dominant force in "Trivia Crack".  The perennial leader in awkward comes into this match undefeated, surprisingly.  After his last collapse on the arm wrestling scene, Smith looks to regain what's left of his pride and come out with a victory.

The Bee

Judge: "Folks, let's begin with Jimmy Jones.  Jimmy can you spell 'Jeff Baker'?"

Jones: "J-E-F-F B-A-K-E-R"

Judge: "Correct"

Smith: "Beginner's luck"

Judge: "Mr. Smith, your turn.  Can you spell 'Mat Latos'?"

Smith: "M-A-T-T L-A-T-O-S"

Judge: "Oooooh, sorry that is incorrect....

Jones: "Hehehehehe"

Judge: "Mr. Jones you are up! Can you spell 'Dee Gordon'?"

Jones: "D-E-E G-O-R-D-O-N"

Judge: "Correct! You are now up 2-0 on Mr. Smith. Smith can you spell 'Adeiny Hechavarria'"?

Smith: "uhhhh... A-D-A-Y-N-E E-T-C-H-A-H-V-A-R-R-I-A?"

Judge: "Oh man you weren't even close.  Jones, can you spell 'Dan Haren'?"

Jones: "D-A-N H-A-R-E-N"

Judge: "Correct! One more and you win sir.  Time to catch up Smith."

Smith: "But, but, but, but..."

Judge: "No buts, you have no excuse.  Can you spell "Steve Cishek?"

Smith: "Finally an easy one! S-T-E-V-E S-E-E-S-H-E-C-K"

Judge: "um... no not quite.  Mr. Jones could take an unprecedented four word lead in this round! Can you spell 'Jeff Mathis'?"

Jones: "J-E-F-F M-A-T-H-I-S"

Judge: "Correct! This one is all about over, folks"

Smith: "THIS ISN'T FAIR. HE'S GETTING ALL THE EASY ONES."

Judge: "Mr. Smith, I can assure you we are just randomly selecting players off the 40 man roster of the Miami Marlins.  That's all."

Smith: "Oh yeah? What's my last name to spell then?"

Judge: "Jarrod Saltalamacchia"

Smith: "...."