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Mermaid & Manatee Auditions Today

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Have you ever watched as the Mermaids jiggled atop the dugout at a Marlins home game and felt an inner longing? No, not that type of a longing. Perverts. I mean the type of longing where you dreamt of one day joining the out-of-sync-yet-naked-enough-for-the-majority-of-the-crowd-not-to-mind "dancers."

Or perhaps you're a dude, and long to receive free all-you-can-eat ballpark food in exchange for a willingness to show off your hairy love handles to the home crowd between innings. 

If either is the case for you, Sunday could be the day your dreams come true. (And hopefully the day you realize that you are aiming waaaay too low in the Life Aspirations department.) The Florida Marlins are searching for "talented and energetic" folks who are interested in joining the Mermaids and Manatees for the 2011 season. They are holding open auditions this weekend.

Open auditions for both squads will be held on Sunday, January 23, 2011 at the Peacock Foundation Studio in the Sanford and Dolores Ziff Ballet Opera House at Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts of Miami-Dade County (located at 1300 Biscayne Boulevard, Miami, 33132).

If you'd like to be a Manatee, the qualifications the Marlins seek are testosterone, 300% body fat and the inability to feel shame in situations that would cause the average person to never want to show their face in public again.

As for the Mermaids, all that's required is the willingness to squeeze into a bright orange spandex get-up that looks as though it was inspired by a Bob's Barricade. That, and a knack for always appearing to be 1/2 a step behind whomever you're dancing with.

If you plan to try out, we wish you the best of luck. Break a leg! (No, really. Break it. You'll thank us later.)

This is why the Marlins don't allow me to write their press releases.