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Marlins Crap

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What do you get for the person who has everything? It's a question asked by nearly every shopper each holiday season, and FishStripes at long last has the answer:

Why, a toaster that brands your favorite team's logo into your breakfast, of course.

Just in time for Christmas, Pangea has introduced the Marlins ProToast, a retro-style kitchen appliance that toasts the Marlins logo into bread, frozen waffles, pop tarts, english muffins, and pretty much anything else you can shove into a toaster.* 

In keeping with the retro theme, the toaster uses the Florida logo, which will be obsolete as of April 2012 (though I maintain that "F" will always stand for "Fish"). Perhaps the most important feature of the ProToast, however, is that it "will work on white and wheat bread," which as toaster connoisseurs know is the most important feature to look for when shopping for the appliance. The first question I always ask when chatting with a toaster salesman is, "does this toaster have the capability of toasting both white bread and wheat bread?"  (Nothing is worse than getting a toaster home only to realize it will not heat up when a piece of wheat bread is inserted into it.)

I really  hesitated to give this innovative product the "crap" tag, when it could possibly be most clever and indispensable kitchen appliance of our time. So gentlemen, don't go to Jared. Go to, and purchase one of these bad boys for that special someone in your life. It'll bring her to tears faster than a diamond ever could, I assure you.

Hurry. Only six shopping days left until Christmas.


*Items that should never be shoved into a toaster include, but are not limited to: forks, knives, spoons, paper or plastic products, liquids, appendages, pets, and babies.