Or, a series of koans illustrating the mystery of the backup backstop ...

[Original lyrics here.]

Bowen on the Bench

How many Rhodes must a GM live down
Before you call yourself a fan?
Yes, 'n' how many Grieves must in white cleats fail
Before we sign Garret And'?
Yes, 'n' how many usernames must the Internet trolls try
Before they're forever bANnEd?
The catcher, AN, is Bowen on the bench,
The catcher is Bowen on the bench.

How many trades must a fan cook up
Before a free agent we buy?
Yes, 'n' how many beers must one man have
Before he forgets Slide, Jeremy, Slide?
Yes, 'n' how many DLs will it take 'til we know
That Beane to the press has lied?
The catcher, AN, is Bowen on the bench,
The catcher is Bowen on the bench.

How many years can Mount Davis exist
Before it's brought down with TNT?
Yes, 'n' how many years can Mark Ellis compile assists
Before his Gold Glove they concede?
Yes, 'n' how many times can Jack Cust take those strikes,
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The catcher, AN, is Bowen on the bench,
The catcher is Bowen on the bench.

As gotgreen alerted us last night, Garret Anderson is apparently a potential free-agent target for Billy Beane.

Before I allow my panic and disgust to reach full gorge, I will point out that it seems to me that GA is most likely either a false-flag operation (intended to drive down the asking prices of Abreu and Giamsorri) or at best the trailing third option. I mean, this paragraph all but spells that out:

The Chronicle has learned that the team has had preliminary conversations about free-agent outfielders Bobby Abreu and Garret Anderson as possible options should Giambi stick firmly to his wish for a three-year deal. A's general manager Billy Beane has had brief contact with the agents for Abreu and Anderson.

None of that indicates any serious interest.

However ... the Rays are apparently pretty serious about Giamsorri, and if Beane wasn't willing to pay above-market price for Furcal, he sure as heck won't for Abreu, who's asking for ... well, an above-market price. (And if Beane is willing to pay above-market price for Abreu but not Furcal ... well, more about that below.)

So if Giamsorri and Abreu do spurn the A's (for whatever reasons), is GA really someone that Beane would sign?

I sure hope not, because if that does come to pass, I'm walking away. Done. Handing in my keys to front page. Turning a blind eye to the A's and baseball entirely.

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Since we don't seem to be done with all of that yet, given the comment counts and server churning of the last couple threads ...

UPDATE:  Lew Wolff just wrote to me and said, "You can tell your fans that I never heard of the guy until the news of his scheme broke."  - Blez

A joint AN release from the Department of Irresponsible Speculation and the Idle Hands Division ...

Bernie Madoff, the Wall Street titan who recently admitted to running a massive Ponzi scheme, apparently numbered among his marks both Mets owner Fred Wilpon and a wide swath of New York/East Coast real estate developers.

Now, granted, Lew Wolff is a Hollywood/West Coast guy, and a member of a different slice of high society than the Wilpons. But he is a major real-estate player, and there have been some local institutions and individuals who lost money to Madoff.

I'm not at all alleging that Wolff does have losses (or, heck, early-participant gains) from Madoff's scheme; but I do think it's a question that could reasonably be asked of him.

If it was the case, that could potentially explain some of the financial whipsawing by the A's this offseason, with regard to both roster and stadium deals. Other considerations, to be sure, could also explain this offseason.

In any event, it does seem as if the economy is taking a toll on the team's stadium development plans (though Beane seems to be in good shape with cash for free agents, his non-highballing of Furcal notwithstanding).

What's the community guess on the timetable for the--heck, any--new A's stadium?

So, this morning's news is that the Slegna have apparently succumbed to temptation, collapsed on their previous reluctance to go above 6 or 7 years, and made an 8-year, $160 million offer to Mark Teixeira.

Even before this news, I was starting to think thnat the A's should be going after Teixeira; now, I'm leaning even more strongly toward that position.

My relatively disordered, composed-in-the-midst-of-rinsing-diapers argument after the jump ...

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[Prefatory note: Big thanks to JediLeroy, who lent his kreepy Photoshop skilz to the illustrations, and to FreeSeatUpgrade, who inspired me to do this with his latest installment of Peanutball.]

Chavvy and the Athletic Factory

Chapter One: "I've Got a Green and Gold Contract"

Over a SICKENING MONTAGE OF OUT-MAKING—T-Long and Melhuse taking called third strikes, Jeremy’s Jetered jeté, Tejada and Byrnes Knoblauching their way into infamy, Big Hurt popping out against the Tigers—the opening credits roll:

CHAVVY AND THE ATHLETIC FACTORY

Directed by Billy Beane. Written by Billy Beane. From the novel by Billy Beane. Produced by Lew Wolff. Edited by David Forst. A Crywolffisher Production.

We hear the TOLLING OF A BELL. Fade up on a CLOCK TOWER striking four o’clock:

[Click on the jump for the rest of the Cinematic Interlude.]

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Switching gears for a moment from all the acquisitiveness lately ... we've all been arguing about what Billy should do by way of roster additions (or deaccessions) this offseason; I got to wondering about the things that he shouldn't do--and whether some of those might be some of the very moves that some folks are arguing in favor of.

Personally, I think over-committing guaranteed money to a known high injury risk (Furcal) in addition to Chavez should be on Billy's "to-don't" list. I think it would be setting us up for a couple more seasons with Hannahan and Petit/Pennington starting on the left side of the infield (which I'm not opposed to per se) while throwing away money that could otherwise have been used to acquire a bat or arm. But that's just me.

And while I'm in favor of signing Dunn, Manny, or Teixeira, some folks would say that over-committing a ton of money to a slugger who's likely to be declining (possibly dramatically) after 2 or 3 years would be a cardinal sin given the team's current situation.

Then, of course, there's the option of doing nothing at all (mitigated somewhat by the Holliday acquisition), which I think we all agree shouldn't be on the table.

(And I'm excluding the ludicrous/improbable/vomit-and-aneurysm-inducing option of "Overpay for an elite free agent closer.")

So what do y'all think? What's the one thing Billy should definitely not do this offseason?

[Original lyrics here.]

[Full Poetic Interlude after the jump.]

Holliday in Alameda

So you hit in Coors
For a year or two
And you know how to work four balls
In mile-high air
Hitting yours go far
Bay East your type Beane don't call

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