Fish Cap: Miami Marlins 6, San Francisco Giants 5

Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Star Jeff Mathis once again demonstrated his offensive prowess over the National League, doubling and homering to propel the Marlins to victory.

The Miami Marlins flirted with disaster yesterday. Ultimately, they concluded that losing isn't hip, tight, sick, rad, or any other one of those words kids use these days. If I sound like an elderly man, it's because I feel it.

The truth is that every loss takes its toll on me, to the point where I feel as though my aging has begun to accelerate. At the start of the season, I was youthful and exuberant. Today, I'm old, I have four children whom I despise, and I work a job that brings me no pleasure.

Thankfully, our universe is governed by Newtonian principals, so winning baseball games reverses this process in opposite fashion. I am ever so slightly less cynical right now. Imagine how I'll feel after a winning season.

The Marlins' Best Hitters Are Mathis, Lucas, Hechavarria, and Solano*

If you just threw up in your mouth reading that headline, it means that you possess functioning cognitive skills. Relax, it was just a shameless attempt to make you foam at the mouth and type a furious comment decrying Fish Stripes as the worst blog in America.

The asterisk is critical.

Normally when Logan Morrison, Giancarlo Stanton, and Christian Yelich combine for two hits and a walk, the Marlins have conceded the game, left the ballpark, and gone out for a nice Chinese dinner.

For this one day, however, the Marlins were led not by the talent, but by the black hole of talent. The players who lack talent so much that they actually suck the talent out of good players. We reached the event horizon. Jeff Mathis, the .198 hitter, hit his third home run of the year, and doubled in another run for good measure. Adeiny Hechavarria and Ed Lucas each batted in runs. Donovan Solano also tied the game on a double.

*Should every other hitter on the team be swept up in a tornado.

The Giants Perfectly Execute Their Master Plan

The 2013 San Francisco Giants are not the same team that won the World Series last year. Angel Pagan, Ryan Vogelsong, and Pablo Sandoval have all missed time or under-performed. Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum have given up a lot of home runs.

Despite all of this, the Giants have a talented roster and it's strange to see them in last place behind the truly horrible Colorado Rockies. The only rational explanation for this is that they don't want to win. They tried the winning thing last year, and apparently it placed too great of an emotional burden on the team. So now they've adopted the strategy of throwing games.

They brilliantly carried out this new scheme yesterday, collecting 13 total hits, but conveniently only one came with a runner in scoring position. The usually impeccable Madison Bumgarner allowed Donovan Solano to score on a wild pitch - a run that proved decisive in the game's outcome. I'd venture to say that the runs the Giants did score came entirely by accident. It can be rather difficult to not score off Tom Koehler.

I know all of this sounds rather depressing. I should clarify my thoughts. Every win is a miracle deserving of celebration. Enjoy and appreciate them, because they don't come easily. Especially when they depend on Jeff Mathis to hit well.

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