Fish Cap: Miami Marlins 2, Arizona Diamondbacks 9

USA TODAY Sports

Paul Goldschmidt savaged the Miami Marlins, reducing me to a blubbering mess on the floor.

First it was Shin-Soo Choo, next it was Paul Goldschmidt. They waltz into your town, hit eight home runs, and maybe get on-base a few more times after that. They are the grim reapers of baseball.

Tonight's slaughter reminded me of a scene from a small indie film that came out a decade or so ago. A character asked a simple, but poignant question. To paraphrase, how should one respond in the face of overwhelming horror?

So much death. What can men do against such reckless hate? -Théoden, King of Rohan and Lord of the Mark

My advice is to gather any family you may have, collect your most prized belongings, and then promptly flee the country. I have selected Yemen as my destination, as it has no extradition with the United States. I can't feel safe living anywhere within five-thousand miles of a Paul Goldschmidt. If you are feeling more courageous, best of luck to you. I don't have a death wish.

While Kevin Slowey can easily transform your Joe Sixpack hitter into Barry Bonds circa 2004, Paul Goldschmidt is no ordinary terror. We are talking about a 25-year-old kid in his third major league season, who just happens to be hitting .338/.421/.656. If he maintains his current production, Goldschmidt should easily hit 40 home runs this year.

I look very stupid now, but I was never a big believer in Goldschmidt back when he was a lonely prospect, climbing the minor league ladder. I thought his 26.9 strikeout percentage in high Class A Visalia doomed him to becoming Adam Dunn, but without the elite walk rates. Now Goldschmidt's strikeout numbers are falling, and he looks as good or better than Dunn did ten years ago.

Goodnight, Sweet Kevin

For those who believed that Kevin Slowey was undergoing some sort of marvelous renaissance, I hope this game signaled the death of that illusion.

Slowey entered the night with a 2.55 Earned Run Average and a 3.41 Fielding Independent Pitching (FIP). Good pitcher, right? I'm afraid not.

Behind Slowey's excellent ERA and solid strikeout to walk rates lay a .279 Batting Average on Balls in Play (BABIP) and a 6.7 percent Home Run to Fly Ball rate (HR/FB). League average BABIP fluctuates around .300, while HR/FB is normally 9.5 percent.

All of that information is nerd-speak for saying that too many balls hit off Slowey found gloves, while too many fly balls stopped short of the fence. Blame the genie who granted Slowey seven quality starts, because his talent certainly wasn't the responsible party.

I wish I could say that I was shocked to see Slowey to give up a trio of home runs and last only three innings, but that would be a horrible lie. It's my responsibility as an upstanding member of the community to inform you that Kevin Slowey is bad.

Cahill Generously Offers Free Runs, Marlins Reject Offer

That Cahill fellow is a very nice man. He kindly walked four batters in three innings, but the Marlins were apparently disinterested in scoring, grounding out each time, and ending any hope of matching Arizona's offense. Totaled out, the Marlins hit into three double plays Friday night.

The double play seems to be symbolic of the Miami's horrible offense. I mean, what better way to not score runs than to just hit into a double play? It's the most efficient method of destroying run production known to man. The Marlins currently have a 66 Weighted Runs Created Plus (wRC+), which is the worst in baseball by a healthy margin.

I want our Paul Goldschmidt back. Where are you, Giancarlo Stanton?


Source: FanGraphs

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