Two months ago, in an alley behind a decrepit shack in Jasper, Florida, Kevin Slowey performed a horrifying blood sacrifice to earn favor with an evil spirit. Or so I heard. How else can one explain Slowey's 1.81 ERA through his first seven starts?
I now have reason to believe that this demonic pact has come to an end. My chief evidence is that Kevin Slowey did not pitch well tonight. He stood on the mound, throwing some baseballs as per usual, however, the Dodgers were none too impressed by them.
The Dodgers pounded Slowey, scoring five runs off him, and forcing him out of the game after four and two-thirds innings. Unfortunately, the situation gets worse.
Dee Gordon Hit a Home Run
I come bearing grave news from Los Angeles. Dee Gordon hit a home run, and the Marlins are responsible. Please don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger.
No team should have to bear the shame of surrending a home run to Dee Gordon. I suppose the Marlins are well equipped to do so though, considering the disgrace they have already endured in past months.
Gordon has now hit two home runs in three years. He holds a career .056 Isolated Power (ISO). If he attained enough plate appearances last year to qualify, he would have had the third worst ISO in baseball. Only Ben Revere and Jamey Carroll hit for less power.
Dr. Stew or How the Caribou Slew a Barbecue
Kangaroo kazoo overgrew his tattoo, only to screw the shampoo. Boo, it's words that rhyme with Hyun-jin Ryu!
I had seen Ryu pitch twice prior to this game, and my impression of him was that he was a shifty little left-hander. A cursory internet search or functioning eyeballs will reveal that he isn't little, but that adjective made the sentence flow better, so I stand by the description.
Ryu turned the crafty dial to maximum crafty against the Marlins. He allowed five hits and three walks, while striking out only three batters. The Marlins' sole run of the game came from a Miguel Olivo home run off Ryu. Even when the Marlins don't strike out and they put the ball in play, they aren't getting hits. Interestingly enough, the Marlins have the worst Batting Average on Balls in Play (BABIP) in baseball at .263.
The Dodgers unexpectedly good defense nabbed them of multiple hits too. Andre Ethier, who is consistently one of the worst defensive right fielders in baseball, made a diving play that he had no right to make, robbing Matt Diaz of a hit. Skip Schumaker and Carl Crawford committed similar brazen acts of thievery.
However, only if you squint really hard, or use enough substances, can you blame this offensive drought entirely on poor luck on balls in play. The truth is the Marlins can't hit the ball very hard, so fewer balls in play will turn into hits.
On that uplifting note, adieu.